Season of Renewal

Today is Easter Sunday. The second one without my mom.

Easter used to be something I celebrated. Having grown up attending a Catholic church, we did it all. Everything from Ash Wednesday, to Palm Sunday, to finally the big day of Easter. The celebration, the services, the music. And of course, the baskets filled with chocolate bunnies and eggs, nestled among the translucent strands of green plastic grass. And the dinner. Oh, Easter dinner was probably my favorite ever.

My mom would make the most delicious lamb, complete with all the spring time vegetables as sides, fantastic mint jelly, and a pineapple upside down cake for dessert. Easily my favorite holiday meal (with Christmas a darn close second).

As I grew older, Easter slowly transformed into less church visits and more just gathering around the meal. Then, once moving away it changed to a care package from my mom, still filled with the green grass and chocolate bunnies.

This year, Easter was just another day. I worked on various work and personal projects, my husband ran errands and relaxed, it was really just another day.

Although this is the second time to pass this holiday without my mom, it really feels like the first. It wasn't until recently I'm finally starting to feel like I'm emerging from the haze I've been fighting through the past year.

The past year has brought a laundry list of losses. My mom, a great aunt and uncle, a cousin, a number of friends, our beloved dog, Alayna, and most recently, my husband's job. It just. Kept. Coming. When I thought we'd reached the breaking point, life proved it had other plans.

I'll openly admit, it has taken a toll. Depression and anxiety reared their ugly heads within me. Thankfully yoga, work, wine, and an understanding husband, has made it a little easier to handle, but man, 2018/early 2019 fucking sucked. But, despite it all, I just can't let it get me take me down into a bottomless black hole.

While I don't follow the Catholic, or any, religious doctrine, I do believe that this is a season of rebuilding and renewal. No, this doesn't mean I'm suddenly "all better" and not going to have any more battles with grief, but I am slowly starting to feel a turn. A transition. A restoration of self.

Man, even just taking a moment to write that brings a sense of relief and calm.

It's taken over a year and I'm starting to feel less like a stranger to my new normal, but instead able to handle what is now my world.

Grief, is indeed a twisty, uneven, uncharted, constantly changing, road. It doesn't come with a map or any all knowing roadside assistance. But, somehow I feel like the path, while still quite treacherous, is now at least well lit.