But one thing that is not often talked about (unless it's been previously outlined, in which case, give a HUGE thank you for the forethought) is what to do with all the stuff. Clothes, collectibles, personal items which are not used/needed/wanted by those who remain.
My parents lived in this house for 20+ years. It's absolutely astounding what one (or in this case, three) people can accumulate in that time. Items used on a daily basis, heirlooms, collectibles, remnants of cleaning out houses from others in the family who have passed, clothes, shoes, leftovers from various projects and hobbies that are picked up and then forgotten because of changed interests, and more. All which take up space. Most that is unneeded, but kept because of potential value, monetary, sentimental, or otherwise.
When I moved out I took the bulk of what I contributed to this collection, leaving two people's worth of stuff. Of course there are still some remnants of my life in the house that remain- childhood toys, photos, a collection of flutes (which are happily returning to Boston with me now I rediscovered them- yay!), but for the most part what remained was my mom and dads.
However, now the house is his and not theirs, it was time for another clean out.
This is the part that everyone knows is a "necessary evil" but no one really ever addresses.
I came to visit for three weeks. All along I was planning on this trip, but before my mom died it was to be more of a social visit that would include some cleaning/organizing if they wanted. However, given the circumstances, the motive changed a bit.
My dad and I both knew that in order to help heal/recover/move on that something had to be done. I asked him what would be most helpful to which he replied with the request of getting the clothes moved out and cleaning out a couple of rooms.
Easy, right?
Did I mention this was 20+ years worth of life residing in these walls? Tag on the emotional weight of why the cleaning was happening, and I knew it was going to be a feat.
But, it had to be done.
Having experienced first hand with my mom how emotionally triggering it can be to go through everything, I knew I had to have a plan of attack if I was going to get through the house within the time I had allotted myself.
One of the things that seems to cause a hiccup for most people when it comes to cleaning out not only the remains of someone's life who is no longer with us, but even our own things, is finding that one thing that makes us stop in our tracks. You know what I mean. It can be absolutely anything from a piece of clothing to a ticket stub or receipt. You can feel the tears well up, or overwhelming joy, or anger, or any multitude of emotions that makes you freeze, unable to further the task at hand. All the while, the piles of other non emotionally charged items still linger. Now not only are you facing the emotions caused by the item, but also the stuck feeling of not being able to make further progress.
Believe me, wash, rinse, and repeat about a thousand times, and you have how I started out just deciding where on earth to begin.
How did I get through? Well, first, I took a deep breath, I allowed myself to feel the overwhelming feelings of grief/anger/sadness, drove to Dunkin and got a giant coffee, and then I began.
When people clean they seem to think in two categories- keep and discard. But I found keeping in that mindset doesn't get you anywhere. The second you get to something that you can't decide if you should keep or toss, you freeze.
Knowing how much I had ahead of me I knew I didn't have time to freeze. So, I made myself four categories- keep, trash, donate/sell, I don't know what I want to do with this AGH too many emotions! The last one being the time/life saver.
Here's how I broke these down:
KEEP
Items that can still be used/wanted by the person still able to use them. In the great cleanout, there were two office spaces, a closet, a basement, and a dining room. Hiding in each there were things that were still totally useable. Office supplies, umbrellas, books and various media. While it may have been "hers" it was still useable, so it fell under the "keep" category and, after everything had been sorted, was organized into a functioning space.
TRASH
Everyone defines trash in different ways, but no matter what, when doing a mass cleanout there will be trash. Items that can't be donated/sold, things you just don't have any use for or want. Also, depending on where you live, sometimes the disposal of the trash can be tricky. We ended up having two special pick ups to take away what we accumulated, but maybe a dumpster is worth the cost if you have a sizeable amount. Or if you don't have a lot and can get it picked up with your usual trash pick up, that works well too.
DONATE/SELL
These are the perfectly good, but not useable by the current inhabitant (my dad), such as her clothes, knick knacks, books and other media, toys, craft supplies.
While some people would go the garage sale route, we opted not to do this for two reasons- 1) limited time (garage sales are a lot of work from prep to the sale to the aftermath and 2) honestly, I much preferred to just take the stuff out of the house in carloads (12... I said there was a lot of stuff) than watch as piece by piece was taken away. I was in no way prepared to watch as strangers rifled through her life and haggled because they wanted the soapdish for 25 cents versus 50.
If you go the donating route, I highly suggest taking into consideration what you're donating and places that can make the most use. Goodwill/thrift stores are awesome, but also keep in mind schools (art and school supplies), retirement homes (board games, puzzles, craft supplies), shelters (clothes). Also, in our case, we had some wigs and such from when she was battling cancer, so I took them to a place that specifically caters to those facing cancer themselves. If you are in Kansas City I highly suggest Cancer Action.
The biggest help with this part I found was that as soon as I had a car load I took it. Not only was getting the collection out of the house helpful in allowing to see what remained, but it also helped in making it feel like progress was being made, which is a giant part of the process.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THIS?!
This can be the hardest part. Going through boxes and shelves and cupboards you discover things you either haven't seen in forever or didn't even know existed. You can't decide if that postcard is something you want to keep, but you know you don't want to throw it out because the big "what if" starts to rattle around in your head. That is ok. Just because it doesn't have a home or a space it makes sense to send it to doesn't mean it must be discarded.
This section proved to be the biggest help in keeping the momentum of cleaning and keeping me from feeling regret that I made the wrong decision on whether to keep said item or not. I simply made a box (or a few in this case) that I put those items in as I came across them. Sure, it sometimes was a little daunting looking at the pile that was accumulating, but knowing that I had allowed myself the option to revisit those questionable pieces helped in making the keep/trash/donate engine going.
Once all the other items had been removed and all that remained was this last part, it because significantly less daunting, and allowed time to visit with the pieces. Some of the stuff still has yet to be addressed. But I know the items that made their way to this section are there for a reason. And it's ok to have a box or two (or five, seriously, take what you need, be kind to yourself) that fall into this category. And when I'm ready, I'll go through it. But now, after going through and getting rid of all the excess, those items can be cherished and kept and revisited.
Now, I'm not saying this would work for everyone. I'm sure there are some organization gurus out there who think I'm crazy and making it into a bigger thing than needed, but this worked for me. For us. And if that means we can take another step toward achieving our new normal, well then, I say it was a success.
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